Snowdrops

by Louise Glück

Do you know what I was, how I lived? You know

what despair is; then

winter should have meaning for you.

I did not expect to survive,

earth suppressing me. I didn't expect

to waken again, to feel

in damp earth my body

able to respond again, remembering

after so long how to open again

in the cold light

of earliest spring--

afraid, yes, but among you again

crying yes risk joy

in the raw wind of the new world.

*************

21 years ago today (Feb 2nd) I had my last drink (to date) and set off on a challenging journey of surrendering and getting help. I’m so grateful to all those who helped me then, and continue to help me on a daily basis. It’s quite hard to talk about this because people tend to see it as a great achievement. It is an achievement, but it’s not my achievement. It’s the achievement of a spirit of healing enacted through community.

Glück’s poem speaks so deeply to me - of how afraid I was 21 years ago, how I didn't expect to waken, how raw I felt in the icy blasts of that new world, how fragile it all was, and still can be. But it was, and is, a wonderful new world in which I cry and risk joy. I’m beyond grateful.

To anyone who’s suffering - you may not be able to see them from where you are, but there are many routes out. Ask the way. There are lots of us. You’re not alone.